a silent cry

This post I published the first time in March 2015 – after a visit to the day clinic. Just now here in Sweden is it all about “Rosa Bandet” … the Pink Ribbon for Breast Cancer – I want to post it again .. because there is sunshine stories too …. Like mine!

Once every 4th week do I have to go  to the day clinic to rinse my Power Port, so it’s ready  to go if ever needed.

Power Port is a button that I have in the upper part of my  right breast and where the chemo entered – very  tidy and painless entrance. Because it’s so difficult find my veins when it comes to injects and needles – they had to give me a very secured entrance.

This morning it was soaking wet outside, so instead of walking up to the clinic I took the bus – there sitting on the bus this feeling of humbleness came over me – the feeling of thankfulness that I’m still here, came over me. Really for the first time since my cancer journey.

The emotion was so deep and big that I started to cry.  There was no way I could stop the tears neither. At the clinic they could see that I had been crying and thought it was because I was in pain or something. Don’t have a clue if any of the other passengers on the bus noticed my “attack”.

Talked  to the nurse about it  and she told me that is something that happens, sooner or later, to everybody that has survived from cancer.

When they  told me that I had cancer, I never had a thought that I could die from it – it was more or less, bring it on and fix it. There was moments during my  treatment I wanted to die – because I was so sick. And  what I understand today is I that was a lot sicker than I realized.

This morning I felt such a relief over that all that is now history – here I’m!!! The cancer has taken so many of friends, colleagues and acquaintances over the last 5 years. Far too many. Often thinking about the people they left behind.

In this grey and very wet morning – I realized that … I’m really ONE of the lucky. A feeling that still brings tears to my eyes. A feeling that made me sad and my heart heavy.

I’m thinking about those that everyday has to fight for survival and for their loved ones.

We have a TV commercial here in Sweden that say: Doesn’t matter where the cancer was located and removed from – it will always go to the head. And that is so true- if you danced with the demon once, you don’t want a second dance.

Life is like a little delicate flower – so easy to destroy  …. Life is like a rock can we can abuse, jump on and off …. Life is the  oceans waves, here one second and the next gone out again, but I am lucky  that I was able catch the next wave. 

“I want to thank life
that has given me so much.
It gave me a long hike
for as tired feet.
I went through the cities,
through deep water,
of beaches, mountains, deserts and plains
home to your house and your green meadows.

I want to thank life
that has given me so much.
It gave me a heart
which basically quiver
when I look at fruit
of the brain creates
and the good far away from evil
When I look into your bright eyes.

I want to thank life
that has given me so much.
It has given me laughter,
it has given me pain
so that I can distinguish
happiness from grief,
the two things that create all my songs
and your songs are my songs
and everyone’s songs are the same songs.”

Violeta Parra (”Gracias a la vida”/”Thanks to Life”)

Featured images provided by and thanks to: active.com