a silent cry

This post I published the first time in March 2015 – after a visit to the day clinic. Just now here in Sweden is it all about “Rosa Bandet” … the Pink Ribbon for Breast Cancer – I want to post it again .. because there is sunshine stories too …. Like mine!

cervical-cancer- md.tech-ex comOnce every 4th week do I have to go  to the day clinic to rinse my Power Port, so it’s ready  to go if ever needed.

Power Port is a button that I have in the upper part of my  right breast and where the chemo entered – very  tidy and painless entrance. Because it’s so difficult find my veins when it comes to injects and needles – they had to give me a very secured entrance.

This morning it was soaking wet outside, so instead of walking up to the clinic I took the bus – there sitting on the bus this feeling of humbleness came over me – the feeling of thankfulness that I’m still here, came over me. Really for the first time since my cancer journey.

The emotion was so deep and big that I started to cry.  There was no way I could stop the tears neither. At the clinic they could see that I had been crying and thought it was because I was in pain or something. Don’t have a clue if any of the other passengers on the bus noticed my “attack”.clover flower

Talked  to the nurse about it  and she told me that is something that happens, sooner or later, to everybody that has survived from cancer.

When they  told me that I had cancer, I never had a thought that I could die from it – it was more or less, bring it on and fix it. There was moments during my  treatment I wanted to die – because I was so sick. And  what I understand today is I that was a lot sicker than I realized.

This morning I felt such a relief over that all that is now history – here I’m!!! The cancer has taken so many of friends, colleagues and acquaintances over the last 5 years. Far too many. Often thinking about the people they left behind.

In this grey and very wet morning – I realized that … I’m really ONE of the lucky. A feeling that still brings tears to my eyes. A feeling that made me sad and my heart heavy.

I’m thinking about those that everyday has to fight for survival and for their loved ones.

We have a TV commercial here in Sweden that say: Doesn’t matter where the cancer was located and removed from – it will always go to the head. And that is so true- if you danced with the demon once, you don’t want a second dance.

Life is like a little delicate flower – so easy to destroy  …. Life is like a rock can we can abuse, jump on and off …. Life is the  oceans waves, here one second and the next gone out again, but I am lucky  that I was able catch the next wave. THANKS TO LIFE

“I want to thank life
that has given me so much.
It gave me a long hike
for as tired feet.
I went through the cities,
through deep water,
of beaches, mountains, deserts and plains
home to your house and your green meadows.

I want to thank life
that has given me so much.
It gave me a heart
which basically quiver
when I look at fruit
of the brain creates
and the good far away from evil
When I look into your bright eyes.

I want to thank life
that has given me so much.
It has given me laughter,
it has given me pain
so that I can distinguish
happiness from grief,
the two things that create all my songs
and your songs are my songs
and everyone’s songs are the same songs.”

Violeta Parra (”Gracias a la vida”/”Thanks to Life”)

Featured images provided by and thanks to: active.com

44 thoughts on “a silent cry

    • Marina,thank you so much for the beautiful words. My thoughts was with you at lunch when I put my new notebook in to your sleeve. It was too big for my little netbook.
      Little too big still, but my notebook and your cover is going to Hong Kong and Japan. The sleeve is so beautiful.
      This song was used for the victims for the Chilean earthquake and it was used on our Prime Minister funeral, Olof Palme – he was assent in 1986. One of my favorite songs.
      I was thinking of using Mercedes Sosa’s version, but I thought it would be nice with an instrumental version. Thank you so much for the link – her voice is just amazing.

  1. A lovely post Viveka. We are all so glad you are still here too, as you say, you were one of the lucky ones. It does seem it isn’t the killer it was some years back but even so, I understand how you must feel, when so many of our friends and relatives have succumbed.

    • Jo, thank you so much!!! I still cry that feeling that kicked in on the bus, so strange. A relief, humbleness – but also a sadness.
      The cancer research all over the world have taken massive steps under only the 10 last year and the survival rates has gone up. One of 3 will get cancer. Scary forecast!!!
      Thanks again for your lovely words.

  2. I have tears in my eyes, reading your beautiful gratitude poem, Viveka. I love your image of the beach and the waves. So happy for you that you’re a survivor. Yes, life is such a fragile and uncertain thing, and we should treasure every moment. Hugs to you my friend. xx

    • Sylvia, thank your tears …. it wasn’t meant to make my friends cry. I thought that maybe if I write about it … it would lighten my heart, but it didn’t.
      Very strange feeling that I don’t know how to handle really – I should be jumping of joy instead.
      The images is from Biarritz in France … and the red flag is of course -danger … but I thought let us see the red flag as a reminder to cherish life more often. Thank you for your friendship. Sylvia.

  3. I cried reading this, Viveka. You are always so beautifully positive and I can’t even keep up with your posts! I admire your courage and strength in all of what you have gone through and I send you a sincerely HUGE hug. You are such a beautiful soul.

    • Julie, thank you so much for your beautiful comment. I’m very positive of nature – I never dwell in things … I just move on – but today it started of very strange and I still have a sad heart, when I should be jumping of joy. *smile
      Julie, you have your a heavy part of life to deal and live with too – you’re always in a good spirit, but I can understand that you have your moments ….. we all have.
      I know somebody down under that has a beautiful soul too … so looking forward to meet her. I will curl up in that hug soon in front of the TV.

  4. I know exactly were you are. I may not have had cancer, but you know I’ve been through my own version of “should have died”. I too feel sad at times like you do and your nurse was right, it does happen to us all. I feel for you my friend.

    • Cee, thank you so much for your support …. strange feeling and emotion – because instead of be full of joy over being alive – I felt so sad.
      You’re there is more ways to be in death’s waiting room … it doesn’t have to relate to only cancer. The emotion hasn’t left me yet, I thought if I wrote about it .. it will ease, but not .. my heart is really heavy just now. So strange. Thanks for being here for me.

      • Just feel and know it will pass. You went through a lot with your treatment and recovery. You also lost a lot during that time. Grieving takes time to work through. Just know it will pass.

      • You have told me about your illness .. and your recovery – the first time that it happen to me and in August will I be 5 years since my operation. I’m sure that tomorrow … have to a ride on my bike tomorrow. *smile Thanks for cheering me on.

  5. Wivi, I’m feeling sad reading this post, because you are such an upbeat, positive, full-of-life person…. But that being said, we all have to have our moments, we can’t be upbeat all the time. Here’s hoping your coming holiday will give you some positive feelings again, and you will be revelling in the new sights, sounds, experiences Sue xx

  6. It’s not when you’re putting up a fight and putting on that brave face but afterwards when you feel it, Vivi. I don’t know anyone who gets more joy out of life (or gives more) than you. When you’ve talked about having the port washed before I didn’t realise the significance. I think I was confusing it with the sorry ass. You know some people don’t know their ass from their elbow? I must be one of those 😦
    Sorry for the tears, Vivi. But I know that you put 100% into getting the most out of your life. Bless you, hon. 🙂

    • Jo, it been so wired the whole day … and my heart is still heavy – why??? Emotions are hard to understand at times.
      There is loads of things in my life that can make anyone confused – including myself. This with getting the most out life – you’re right – because nobody else will fix it for us. It’s all down to ourselves.
      They have asked me if I want to remove the Power Port – but I want to keep it .. because I think it’s like having an umbrella in the bag. If you have it with you all the time, you will never need to use it.
      Thank you for cheering me on and for making me smile.

      • Yes- an umbrella! Great way to think of it 🙂 You and Mary Poppins! You will be back from Japan in time for your next visit to the clinic? And you’ll be smiling then and showing them LOTS of photos 🙂

      • Jo, any Mary Poppins I will never be… you make me laugh. Back on the clinic on 28th of April. If they want to see my photos they have to … visit my blog – no special treatments here. *smile

  7. Beautifully written. Too many lose their lives in this terrible illness – and you are lucky to be one of the survivors. I understand quite well you must have certain moments. I wish you a wonderful and refreshing stay in Japan now!

    • A-C, it’s truly scary that how many people is today coming down with cancer – nearly every day there is news about somebody I know. And it’s all ages too. Terrible.
      It was my first moment that I felt relief, humbleness and sadness, very VERY strange feeling and it was with the whole day. Today is fun day – in the laundry room and the sun is out again. A-C, I promise I will have the time of my life. Cards will come.

    • Maralee, yes …. so true – SO TRUE! But we take it all for for granted. There is moments when they happens I’m so thankful for … but I’m not thankful often enough.

  8. 🙂 I feel with you, dear Wivi!
    And I’m very HAPPY that you’re around, alive and kicking and cheering me up (and many other bloggers, too) every day with your fun and thoughtful posts…and sometimes even in person 😉 😀
    Many hugs! Glad you’re around!
    XOXOXO 🙂

    • Dia, I’m glad that you’re around too …. it is a priceless knowledge that you’re out there … sharing friendship with me.
      It was a very strange day yesterday but the hours in laundry room today … fixed that.
      I’m glad that I’m around too. *smile

  9. ❤ Greetings and celebrations to the lucky you. I think it's because you had never believed you could die from it. It is all in the head for real. And I love this song which I know in the version of Joan Baez. Our high school Spanish teacher taught us the lyrics in Spanish. Gracias a la vida indeed!

    • Manja, I think that my tumour became secondary because I had so much pain in my hips … and I soon figured out that it had to do with the tumour, so that was what I focused on. To be free from my pain. Thank you so much for your kind comment… and I love this song too .. it was placed at our assassinated Prime Minister’s (Olof Palme) funeral in 1986, that was the first time I heard the song. Loved ever since.

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