weeks of fear and despair

Here in Sweden do we have a TV commercial that says; Doesn’t matter where the tumor was located …  it will always go to the head. Nothing is more true than that.

I  was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2010 after nearly 10 months of pain … but when the tumor was found everything happen in high speed, less than 14 days was I on the operation table.

When I was told that they had found a tumor bigger than a golf ball .. the thought that I could die from it was never there. Even when they told me that they couldn’t promise me anything – never did I feel fear or was worried over the outcome.

My treatment was 7 very intense weeks … with radio therapy and chemo on the same time. The last 2 weeks my body gave up and I became very ill … and the last 10 days of my treatment was horrific and there wasn’t one day that I didn’t want to die. cervical-cancer- md.tech-ex com

Here I’m 5 years later … still going strong – still buying a pair of shoes every month .. travelling like never before and l trying to enjoy life so much as I can. The second chance hasn’t come free for me – I have server side effect from my treatment, mostly from the radio therapy, that was very tough – 37 days with 5 points per day.

You would think that the longer time that goes from the treatment the better you will get – NO!!!!! Still problems pops up because of the treatment. I suppose that my middle part of my body is like a high voltage micro wave.

Today the fear of dying pops up so soon my body is behaving strange or some new pain accrue. The ghosts is there straight away. I can’t say if it the fear of dying … or the package cancer comes in that scares the life out of me. feeling sorry  - cheezburger com

If you have danced with the demon once … you don’t want a second chance.

For about 4 weeks did my lower part of my body ….. really got a life of it’s own … not going into details. First I don’t think so much about it … not something the accrued every day … but it happen more frequent and during my may days in Skagen, Denmark, it all went scary. Phoned my doctor and he told me to contact the hospital, but it’s summer and staff shortage of course. So I had to wait 14 days for before see one of my doctors, have 6 in total.

My mental status has been in my shoes … and ghosts has been flying every day and night. I went to hiding like an wounded animal for a couple of days. Just took the duvet over my head … 24/7 – no summer anyway.  After a couple of days I took myself by the neck … enough is enough!under duvet - dreamtime com

And I decided that if I have got the cancer back I would empty my bank accounts … and travel until I dropped – and suddenly I could face reality.

This morning I was at the hospital …. there is problems, but not were my cancer was. Not everything was fine, but what there is I have to live with. My doctor did a very meticulous examination and it was so painful, but I didn’t really care.

It was like winning on the lottery ….

My gynecologist has said that the chance that I will get it back now after such a long time is …. 1/1000, but that doesn’t help when things happen.

So now I’m up for a new examination of my colon – which they say cause my problem, which I can live with, because the colon has been damaged too … so I can understand the problem.

Now I can enjoy my 5 nights in Warsaw – take off on Friday morning .. and it looks that the weather is going to be on my side.

Many have said that they are amazed that I manage to travel with my constant problems … not difficult at all .. it a lot more fun to have a “sorry ass” and numb feet in Istanbul, Tokyo or Warsaw … then at home. Only to make sure that the lucky pills are packed. sorry-ass- disney com

You have to healthy to be sick”

Images provided by and thanks to;md.tech-ex.com/cheezburger.com/dreamtime.com/disney.com/someecards.com

43 thoughts on “weeks of fear and despair

    • Andy, it can even take longer …. our national health is great … but to see a specialist doctor can take time. Specially now during holiday times. I could have spend hours of waiting at the ER, but my mental status wasn’t up for that.

    • Thank you so much, Faysal … I think I’m on the save side!!! Thanks for your lovely and kind thoughts. How is the Swedish coming along????

  1. So sorry to hear about your medical problems while on holiday. My husband’s cancer is in remission but now we have to worry about another type of cancer in his lungs. We won’t know for sure till they operate in August. It’s not knowing that is bothersome. Luckily he feels well but I’m sure that the thought of cancer is never far from his mind. Wishing you a wonderful pain free holiday in Warsaw. Warm hugs! Carol

    • Carol, so sorry to hear about your husband and his struggle – and you that had planned to visit London this summer. Cancer is an evil disease/illness. And it can travel and jump from different parts of the body … My neighbor was treated for cancer in her lung .. and 1 year later it popped up in her glads.
      You’re so right … it the hanging in between … to not know for sure that gets to you.
      Please, keep my posted … happy that he feels well. My thoughts goes out to you both. Hugs … Wivi

  2. Don’t you dare think about leaving. I care too much about you. I don’t have the same pain you do but this new diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease brings pain to my body every day after I am starting to walk for a while. I think so much of you. You have fun in Warsaw. Live it up, live life, laugh a lot, hug strangers, do all that you can do. I love you my friend.

    • Marina, yes …. I truly hope so – but I don’t really trust the demon – but it’s not anything that I think about every day .. only when my body is behaving strangely. Planning Australia next year. Thank you so much for your lovely comment.

    • Wonder Woman, I like that … Loisa. I know that my sense of humor has a big part that I handle the cancer treatment so good, even when I was very sick. But wonder woman goes in hiding at times. Thank you so much for your cheering on.

  3. That sorry ass of yours doesn’t know who’s in charge does it? 🙂 I put my money on you every time Viveka. I’m glad to hear ‘we’ are traveling again. I need a get away. Don’t forget me. I’ve been so busy I barely have time to read any more. I do but then there’s no time to comment on most. But I had to shout out not to forget me!!!!!! And I’m sorry you were so sad. I’m VERY happy you grabbed yourself by the next and took control of how you felt. You are beautifully strong!!! ❤

    • Colleen, of course not … have bought a bigger cabin bag now … with shoes and hats on – plenty space for you. I wouldn’t dream to go anywhere without you. Colleen, don’t worry about the reading and the visiting … you know that I’m out here anyhow .. and I know that you’re out there for me.
      I think it’s my sense of humor that makes me strong … and my head that makes me weak. Thank you for being here and there for me.

      • Viveka, you’re my favorite today. Thank you so very much for this comment. I was feeling a bit sad but after reading this….I don’t know what I have to be sad about. 🙂 ❤

  4. Big hugs for you my friend. Viveka is a fighter, you will face it squarely and have fun as much as you can. Glad that the chance of getting it back is very very low. Just don’t give up!

    • Bebs, thank you so much for your lovely comment …. I promise I will not give up, but the ghosts takes over at time .. it was a good while since last time. Nothing I think about when everything is okay. But they really f… things up when things are not okay. *laughing.

  5. So sorry to hear about your health problems, Vivi. I hope you keep positive and pull through all of this, and yes, travel and enjoy life. Every moment, every second in this world is different and unique, so much to enjoy. Stay strong, sending lots of love and hugs to you ❤

    • Mabel, thank you so much … we all have our health problems some how – and it gets to us in ways at times. The health is the most important thing there is to have a happy life. I promise I will try to enjoy life so much as I can. Thank you so much for your support, Mabel.

    • Dallas, of course I will …. pity that I don’t have more than 2 feet. I hope everything is fine with you and your parents. How is dad doing ?????

      • Not to be a debbie downer but Dad’s currently having tests for dementia we already know the outcome but whilst the long term prognosis isn’t good at least we might be able to slow it down a while

      • Dallas, it hurts me to read about your dad … tough thing – the only good thing is he are going to be very happy were he is. Tough on the family. My thoughts goes out to you all.

      • The founder of Stena Line, became demented very soon after his retirement and he lived for over 20 years with it … when I asked his son how his dad was doing. He answered – he are so happy were he is … he doesn’t have a clue who we are .. but he are so happy and that is the main thing. You will still be able to smell the flowers together. I really love that sentence. Send my love to them both.

    • Thank you so much, Cee …. yes, I know you have your cross to carry too. Never been to Warsaw, but everybody say it’s beautiful .. I’m 50% Polish, but have no connection what so ever with Poland.

  6. I don’t know if it’s a city that will speak to you, but there’s only one way to find out. 🙂 So glad you crawled out from under the duvet, but I know it’s hard, Vivi. Take care xx

    • Jo,had a great afternoon here in Warsaw …. didn’t sleep much last night because I was up with the sun. So I spent my first afternoon at a fantastic shopping center just 5 min walk from my hotel .. got myself a new hairstyle, SooOOoOoo please. Back to short hair. Good start .. now a good shower and then dinner.
      Hotel fantastic … beautiful room, big bathroom and great hospitality .. 5 nights for £170 with breakfast and free WiFi. What bargain. What an exciting city. Tomorrow Old town. Have to take the tram .. 5 stops.

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