the most dangerous place for a woman ….

Is in her own home.

DomesticViolence - www.wix com

Saw a shocking TV program about men that kills women. About women that has been killed by their husbands and partners.

“Men who murder women” is a Swedish documentary from 2014. The dangerous place for women in Sweden is the own home. Killed each year an average of 17 women by their current or former husband. (text: TV4.se)

I’m a very tolerant person – and broad minded, but I despise any kind of abuse. If I see it and able to interfere I do it there and then – if I hear, but not see it … or it’s too severer for me to do anything myself I call the police.

In our long and very beautiful country, Sweden – we are only 9,5 million people and every 3rd week a woman is killed by the man that she are in relationship with or have been, killed in her own home.

Knife is the most common murder weapon – kitchen knifes – because they are there … inside the home.

If this is the figures in our little country – what will it be in others.

I have been working for many years in a very abusive environment – the kitchen, verbally by two female bosses.

I was sexual abuse/harassed by one of my male bosses for about 4 years. I reported it, but nobody did anything about it. In the end I manage to work around it and not put myself in a situation where I was going to be alone with him out of sight for others. 40% of my working day was to plan how to avoid being alone with him.

domestic violence - domesticviolenceactivesupport com

When I was 20 years old and worked in Copenhagen I was in relationship with a fantastic man … 8 years older than me, a semi-professional boxer.
He was never abusive against me as such, but he had bad temper – and ended up in fights when there was alcohol involved. He had been suspended by his club and he had also a court case against him at the time, but he had never showed any threatening tendencies against me.

But one Saturday evening we had planned to go out for a meal, he had been away the whole day playing pool – and came home after our pre-booked time at the restaurant. I was on my way to leave the house on my own, when he arrived home. There was an argument over he wanted me to wait for him – but I said no. I was going on my own. Then he hit me, I flew across the living room and landed in a corner. It took me a while to realize what had happen and he had just left me there – gone back to the pool bar.

He could have killed me with his powerful fist … and I made my mind up there and then – one time too many.

So I packed an overnight bag – and left – asked the hotel where I was working if they had a room free for a couple of nights, and of course they helped me out.

domestic violence - ichpd com

He came looking after me at the hotel, but they told me that they hadn’t seen me for the whole weekend.

I knew that he was going away for 5 days for work the following week. Then I quite my job – packed my things and took the train back to mum in Gothenburg.

I didn’t dare to stay because I knew he was coming to look for me and I had to look over my shoulder all the time if I stayed in Copenhagen.

He phoned my mum and asked if I was there, but she said no – but when he informed her that he had to contact the police and report me missing, I had to come forward.

But he never looked me up in Sweden.

So when I saw this program … some of the women was killed in front of their children, I was so happy that I had the sense to do what I did. Just leave.

In US are they not allowed to show naked bodies or not even a naked breast on TV – but they show films where women and even men are being abused and beaten to death … in domestic violence scenes. How wired is that.

Of course men are being abused to by their partners too and I can image what a difficult situation that must be. Saw a film with Peter Strauss many years ago, Men Don’t Tell (1993), where he was abused by his wife. A true story. A great film about domestic violence.

In UK  is about two in five of all victims of domestic violence are men.

DID YOU KNOW – US figures: 
One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

85% of domestic violence victims are women.

Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.

Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.

Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner.

In 70-80% of intimate partner homicides, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.

Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury.

Intimate partner violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health care visits each year. (text: http://www.ncadv.org/)

domestic violence - denesen mk

So I beg you to make that phone call to the police  if you hear something next door … or see anything.

Maybe contact the woman when she is home alone, offer her your time and ears … tell her that you’re there for her.

A woman that has been abused has very low self confidence – she often blame herself for that her partner is getting angry, because in between the beating he is the nicest guy – he often buys her presents afterwards and beg for forgivness – but it will happens again and one day it can be that last blow.

And also for the sake of the children …. it’s better to make one phone call too many – than not make any at all.

“Don’t play his game. Play yours.”
Rachel Caine

domestic violence - areawidenews com

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48 thoughts on “the most dangerous place for a woman ….

  1. Pingback: the most dangerous place for a woman …. | Using IT

    • Mary, thanks a million.
      When I watched the program – I was truly shocked over how many women in our little “peaceful” country is being killed. I have been thinking about this post for a week and because I been there myself in more than one way, it’s truly written from the deep of my heart and senses.

  2. There’s no excuse in my mind, The moment a man raises his hand to a woman. He’s no longer a man, but a mindless animal and a coward. I have heard of women attacking men as well, but even then it still doesn’t justify it still. I’m so sorry you had to endure such a horrible experience Viveka. 😦

    • Andy, I agree … I don’t tolerant any kind of abuse!!!
      What happen to me in Copenhagen … made me so much stronger, but what was the hardest was the abuse I got at work – and that nobody tried to help me – but I manage through that too. When we ended up alone in the same lift down to the stores … I would be half naked when I left the lift. It was horrifying.

      • I would say track that man down and take him to justice, kicking and screaming if you have to because God only knows who else he’s treated in such a manner. But, that’s me because I am not so forgiving on that.

      • He are now dead since years back, but I confronted him about it about 17 years ago on natural grounds … he got upset with me. This started in the beginning of 1972.
        Horrifying experience that I don’t wish on anyone.
        There was even witness to one indecent – but when I reported the two witnesses denied that they had seen anything. Because they where all officers.

      • Policing sure has changed then hasn’t it? nowadays it’s probably the worst possible thing to do, lying to a judge saying that you didn’t see anything.

      • No I reported to the top dog … not the police.
        Aboard a vessel – first comes God, then the captain .. after that nothing for while.
        Sorry, that I mislead you.
        Of course I should have reported it to the police .. never crossed my mind then.
        Today the company wouldn’t dare to not act on my … complain.

      • no no don’t apologize, I believe In Karma though and it is his descendants that will end up having to bear the consequences of his sins.

      • Andy, it’s all in the past … and I have forgiven him long time ago, because I needed to move on with my life .. so I quite my job.
        He was the victim – Not me.

  3. Wow this is amazing… I have not heard of statistics of abuse in our country, but I bet it is damn high… I could never even imagine hitting a woman… as a child it was drummed into my head by my Dad… but I would consider any man that lifted his fists to a woman as a coward and challenge him to come and visit me… be a man, if you need to punch someone, punch someone that will hit back as hard… I would not tolerate domestic violence anywhere near me and would intervene irrespective of what the law says, which I’ve just read up that one may only intervene if asked to… stuff that, hit your wife in front of me and I’m going to kick the sh,,t out of you…

    • It’s terrifying figures … and stats – in US every 4th woman will be abused during her life by somebody she knows.

      It doesn’t matter what abuse it’s – we have to interfere in some way, because it goes on everywhere and all ages.

      Domestic violence is so terrible, that behind locked doors .. there is so much nastiness going on. And the poor children that are abused … or bystander to all this, their lives are ruined too.

      I totally agree with you, but we shouldn’t hit anyone … but today our society (us) take violence as entertainment. I enjoy a great action movie at times to time, but there is limits.

    • Hjärte Tack, Maja … det var ett otroligt bra program … och jag har tänkt på detta inlägget i flera dagar, men eftersom jag har varit utsatt själv, även om begränsat – räddslan var fruktansvärd.

      Vi skulle inte tolerara någon slags … av våld – verbal eller fysisk.

    • Thanks, Sylvia … any abuse is unacceptable – and it can happen to us all .. all ages, nobody is safe.
      But domestic violence happens behind locked doors,
      My mum had given me some great advice when it came to boys/men already as a teenager – but she never put fear into me, but I was very vigilant.

  4. Excellent post, dear Wivi!

    Good to hear that you still had all your marbles in place and were able to leave.
    You seem to be such a strong and straight forward lady that I can hardly believe you were ever in that kind of situation. Serves me right not to assume anything… 😉
    I have seen this many, many years ago happening to somebody very close to me and I couldn’t believe she put up with him. I spent the night after he beat her up the first time with her, took her to the doctor for an additional treatment the following day and drove her to the police, so that not only the state but she too, would file a case against him… she went back to him several times after that, she even married him. In the end she left the country, because she was so afraid of him and when he came out of jail he found her. Fortunately this guy has been gone now for years and I pray to God that he is gone for good!
    The problem is that these abusers are very good at manipulating their victims to the point that the victims believe all of this is their own fault. What a bunch of BS!
    But these days it’s not only physical abuse, but also mental. There are more and more people out there that will play mind games with you and try to drive you nuts – happening in the offices more and more and that is a huge issue, too.
    Ok, I’m drifting of…

    I wouldn’t take abuse from anybody! Had to say that 😀
    Big hugs xoxo

    • Dia, thanks for taking the time and read this long post – it became a lot longer than meant to.
      You’re so right about abusers are very good at manipulating their victims to the point that the victims believe all of this is their own fault – and in between they are MR NICE and PERFECT!

      Abuse is something that is growing rapidly – with social networks too, so terrible.

      I have only been hit once – but that was one time too many – I was so luck that I got my head skewed on and that I went back to mum in a couple of days.

      The experience I had of abuse – I could surely been without, but it has also made me stronger mentally.
      Because I realized, thanks to my mum that it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was them. So I could live with it – and live took me down other paths and I had a chance to move away from it all … and move on.

      But I was also abused as a child by my grandmother – I got beaten with cane when I had been naughty … sometimes I couldn’t go to school for a couple of days, because I couldn’t sit on my sore bum.
      So that was a tough learning curve.

      • Oh, gosh, hit with a cane? Poor thing, now I know why you still have problems with your sorry bum (bad joke). How can anybody hit a child that badly?!?!?! Will never understand. – Well, let’s hope these times are over for good!
        xoxo

      • It happen between I was 8-15 … never happened while grandpa was alive.
        Even then I knew that I was the strongest of us two .. and I had made up my mind that … I should change my life completely. What every abuse I have gone through I have been the strongest.
        I really hope us, but we never know what is going on behind the closed door.

      • Offended me ….??? It was a bad joke, but I’m an expert on them myself. *smile.
        Girlfriend, I have thick skin … By the way ticket is now booked. See you in August.

      • Pardon me for butting in here, but the abuse by the grandmother is just more than I can handle! I suppose that accounts in part for your caring and understanding nature, but there must be better ways to learn that. I, too, was abused in different ways as a child and as an adult. Surely that explains my intense reaction to stories of abuse, and it breaks my heart that more and more are coming to light.
        Life is a wonderful gift, and it’s such a shame to damage it in this way. Bless you for your strength and compassion, and the joyous spirit that could not be quenched!
        Mary

      • Mary, my grandma didn’t know any better … she had 12 siblings and I’m sure that she was raised the way she raised me. Plus she was nearly 68 years old when she was left alone with me alone.
        Anyhow life is to short – and if I haven’t forgiven her and my other abusers, I wouldn’t be able to move on with my life. Life today is more important than what happen years and years ago.
        I had the strength to not become a victim – and I have had a fantastic life so far … but abuse of any kind is so close to my heart and it really makes me so upset and mad, when I notice that it happens to somebody.
        Mary, thank you so much for your support …

  5. unfair, terrible and horrible:”But I was also abused as a child by my grandmother…” 😦 I’m deeply emotional about this sad topic even though it’s never concerned me personally… long story, short: any adult abusers should rot in jail and I’m gonna be quite blunt: death penalty for child/adult sex abuse!!!
    * * *
    I did watch that movie with Peter Strauss who’s been quite an excellent actor…
    * * *
    my very best, now and always… ❤

    • I’m a big fan of Peter Strauss … very good actor in my book and he has done some brilliant parts, but never really got recognized for them. Except ” Rich Man, Poor Man” – and “Solider Blue”

      I have never blamed myself for what has happen to me – and I have also seen myself as the strongest … and I had a fantastic life and it’s nothing I really dwell in – but when I saw this TV program and it made such impression on me.
      Been thinking on this post for days.
      What has happen to me – I’m not ashamed over – it hasn’t been my fault. Not even when I was naughty … and I could be very naughty even if I knew what the punishment would be. *smile
      Thanks for your support.

  6. I’ve been lucky in my life that I never personally experienced physical abuse, Vivi. The statistics are terrible, aren’t they? I cannot imagine staying in that home and being beaten, but I suppose if you have children it’s not so easy to leave. But you have to, for them! No child such see, or hear that. My own mother had the most violent temper and I hated the scenes that sometimes took place at home.

    • As you rightly say …. bad temper and verbal abuse is domestic violence too. It’s not only physical abuse that families has to live through.
      But this that women are not safe in their own home … one of the women had left with the children – still he found her .. he had followed staff to the safe house.
      Today nobody has to stay with an abusive partner .. there is help, but their self confident is so low … and they are so broken down.
      I was able to understand that I wasn’t to blame for anything of the abuse that happened to me – I knew I was the strongest and I was able to move away from those that abused me.

  7. What an incredibly valuable post Viveka. I had just read another post about the incredible goodness humans can show one another. And now the other end of the spectrum. Because as humans we can be so extremely cruel.

    I hope someone who needs help or knows someone who needs help reads this and makes the call. Takes action to get safe and get help.

    Thank you.

    • Colleen, our world has both – the good and the evil … I think that awareness is so important in this issue – and also human trafficing. Thanks for your support.!!!!

  8. Thank you for your real life story and your real life post which brought the rest of life to a standstill for a moment whilst one stepped back to think. In Australia domestic violence is now openly discussed on forums and in the media – special phone numbers for direct action are freely available. Oft it does not help – the Social Services dept does not realize how important a particular situation is and is late to react. Tragic!!. A mentally ill and threatening father killed his son on a legal ‘leave’ having threatened the mother countless times just weeks ago. Here the typical Northern weapon of knife is not used too often: usually a gun, log/stick or hands!! During both my marriages and my partnerships the first thing I made clear was that if a hand was raised against me physically JUST ONCE, however much I loved the guy, I would walk!! Thank the blessed Lord, it came close, but never happened. If one allows it to happen once, it WILL recur!!! Shall share with others . . . .

    • Eha, domestic violence is everywhere – and it happens behind closed doors. I wish all that everybody that is abused could have the strength to walk away or ask for help. .

  9. Thank you for sharing this, Viv. You even brought me out of my blogging break to comment. I am sorry that you had that experience in your life but I am proud that you left right away. One hit is one too many.

    • Heather thanks for stepping out … for taking the time and for commenting. Personal I think it’s a scary issue and problem in our society today on many levels, especially with abuse over the social networks.
      But domestic violence happens behind beautiful and pretty looking facades- on the outside everything seems perfect. I had colleagues that was been beaten by their partners. They are so in denial and they made up excuses for their partners behavior.
      You tryed to talk some sense into them, but it was like talking to a brick wall – it’s important to talk and listen. And most of all support.

  10. You are a strong woman, Viveka. Leaving immediately is what everyone should do in that situation. Unfortunately too many seem to think that ” he will change”, and too many give in when he maybe cries and apologizes, promises never to do that again…
    I have never been abused in that way and hopefully will never be. No one should have to cope with this.

    Important post, Viveka! Thank you!

    • Thank you, A-C for taking the time to read and comment, the post wasn’t supposed to be that long from the beginning – but more information was added on to it as I went along. Scary stuff.
      I was only 20, but somewhere I knew that what happen was on time too much. Maybe it also was because he was already in trouble because of his liking of using his fists. But I have always been good at thinking clear when there is an emergency situation. I can be very resourceful at times.

      I think my childhood had given my strength and it made me realize in very young age that nobody will come and change my life for me – it’s all up to me.

      Thanks again, A-C. I think it’s a very important post too.

  11. What a powerful post! Thank you sharing this and for sending a powerful and meaningful message to everyone. You are indeed a brave woman! I wish you all the happiness and peace in the world. You deserve it! 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Sarah – I think it’s important that awareness are raised – and that it happens to so many people around us that we don’t even notice.
      I manage to get a great life … thank you so much for your support.

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