things has to go worse

.. before it will get any better – somebody has said! And there is so much truth in this quote.

I’m so sorry about my negative status yesterday … but I had a terrible day and it just went from bad to worst. Not like me to moan when I’m not feeling okay, but yesterday just drained me completely on everything.

needing - jobspapa com

Dear friends, please don’t feel bad because you can’t help me physically!!!! You are all helping me through you thoughts, wishes and prayers, through your comments and replays. So important to know that there you’re out there – thinking and worrying about me and my “sorry ass”.

During my journey through my cancer treatment I didn’t have this part of my world, my blog – but I used Facebook and my friends there dragged me through that journey, they carried and supported me when I felt sick and worried. I don’t know if I could have done it without them.

The support I get from you know is so important and I cherish it so much. So please don’t feel bad or helpless over my situation.

I asked the doctor at ER why I have got this problem now – exactly 3 years after my treatments was done. I left the hospital on 6h October 2010. He explained that I got very high doses of radio therapy, 5 per day in 35 days – and the area they irradiated can be like a micro wave for years after. Normally if there hasn’t been any side effects of the treatment in the first 3 years there will be none neither.

Side effects I have got my  fair shares of;  my numb feet and a sensitive bladder. The numb feet comes from the chemo treatment. Plus I got Lymphoedema in my right leg. Those side effects I have to live with for the rest of my life and it’s more than enough to try to live a normal life with and around. There is times it feels like my life has shrinked with 30% because of the treatments, but I know very well that if I hadn’t got them I would have 0% of my life left, I would have been dead today.

Now with my colon being irritated and inflamed on top of it, just happened be that last thing that tipped the iceberg for me. And it’s so painful too – not able to sit properly, walk or lay. It’s like walking around with my butt constantly on fire and with a very uncomfortable pressure in the lower “chassis”.

thanks for hanging - 123greetings com

So I beg you not to feel bad about not able to help me – it’s being here for me is what is most important for me and it’s not like I’m dying, but this situation is driving me against the edge at times.
The medicine they have given me … is painful to take too, when the butt is sore – and bit difficult to take. But there is a little relief today and the fever has come down too – so maybe I been on the top of this mountain.

I’m so thankful for that I’m allowed and be able to need you ….

“I am a strong person, but every now and then,
I also need someone to take my hand
and say everything will be okay.”

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65 thoughts on “things has to go worse

  1. Sorry to have missed so much recently. It seems you’re going through a difficult and painful time. Glad to hear at the end of your post that you’re feeling brighter – hope that trend continues.

    • Thank you so much – hopefully the worst is behind me now. Had a pretty good day today with not too much pain and discomfort – bit high on pain killers, but who cares – and it’s quite plesant feeling.
      Don’t worry about … about missed out on something – there will be new adventures soon. *smile

      • *smiling …. high as a skyscraper one minute and sleeping the next, that is pain killers I had since my cancer experience. But the butt medicine seems to work, but so painful and difficult to take. It’s just great that I’m able to sit down and be free from the fire. Thank you so much.

  2. Oh, Viveka…I have fallen behind in reading my usual hanging places and I am now just catching up. I am sending you prayers and hugs and energy. I will be thinking of you and hope you are OK. Hugs, lots of them from the other side of the world crossing right now xo

  3. Oh how I wish I could give you that hug physically… so when you read this think I’m giving you one… I suffer from Diverticulitis which at times gives me such pain in the colon.. I use a pill up the rear end which is actually a pain pill that certainly gives me relief, Voltaren is it’s name… But I’m not sure if my pain is anything like your’s although Linda says on occasions I’m a pain in her butt and only if I shut up does she get relief…
    I’m thinking about you and praying for you Viveka, you must get well soon, I’m missing my Swedish girlfriend… (allways wanted to say I have a Swedish Girlfriend)

    • Of course am I your Swedish girlfriend … really like that idea to have boyfriend in SA. *smile – I’m sure that Linda will be very understanding.
      Bulldog, I have a friend with the same problem as you have – what an agony she are in at times. Voltaren we have in Sweden too – but I didn’t know it was used for that kind of problem too.
      I’m sure that you can be a pain in Linda’s butt – but I think it is easy fixed I suppose – she only have to leave the room.
      I had a pretty good day today, so I hope it’s the medicine that has gone into action. Yesterday was the worst so fare – been a bit messed up and high from the pain killers today, but that is a nice feeling.
      Bob, I want myself back … this is just unreal and I get so cranky. Tonight will I indulge myself with a big bowl of ice cream – that is a good recovering sign. I haven’t had any ice cream for over a week.
      Thank you so much for being here for me.

  4. I understand and have the same need. My arms are wrapped tightly around you and with this I also find peace.

  5. So glad that the pain is a little bit better, and that you’re temperature is slightly down. Hope that this is a turning point for you Viveka, I really do. Lots of hugs my friend and God bless you.

    • Cindy, to have a butt on fire is nothing I wish my worst enemny – terrible, but there is worst things in life that can happen to me – don’t know if I’m very strong in all this, not enough reason to roll over for – thanks fo Cindy, thanks a million for your nice comment.

    • Colleen, yes … my “sorry ass” has got some wonderful international support – can’t complain … Slept well for another night on 1/2 a pain killer, so we could be on the right track here. It feels a bit swollen today in the lower part – have to see what that can do to the day. Have a fantastic sunday.

  6. Oh, Viveka, I’m so sorry that you are going through such a torrid time again. I hope that these awful symptoms will disappear as quickly as they came. Thinking of you and sending you lots of big HUGS, my friend. Hang in there. xxx Sylvia.

  7. In other words, you want me to send you one of the appropriately named hot sauces from one of my past posts! 😉

    Wishing you nothing but the best, and I continue to appreciate your overall upbeat nature and your honesty. Stay strong, Viveka!

    • Hot ASS sauce!!???? Maybe that is what I need and not this awkward medicine … *smile Remember that post very well – it’s fantastic.
      Thank you so much, Frank for being here for me and for cheering me on.

  8. Viveka! Jag tänker ofta på Dej , Du betyder mycket för mej . Så bedrövligt rent ut sagt att det ska bli komplikationer 3 år senare, jävla cancer! Behöver Du någon som kommer med glada tillrop så kommer jag gärna ner en helg.
    Pussar o kramar i mängd!

    • Maja, my darling …. hjärte tack för de underbara raderna – vilken härlig morgon läsning. Mycket bättre än Landskrona bladet. *skrattar
      Glada tillrop är alltid välkommet hos mig som du vet!!! Vet att Du funderar på att komma ner under lovet – vi kan göra tillropen tillsammans då. Vill gärna må lite bättre annars blir jag så f….b irriterad på allting. Massor av goa tankar till en go tjej!!!!

    • Helen, this is a great way to look at it … *smile
      And ass I have plenty off *laughing.
      A good moan once in while is good for the mental healthy, at least that is my excuse.
      Thanks for your support.

    • Jo, today isn’t that great, but not painful as such, discomfort more like it – but I will give the PC some time today and see how it goes … miss my friends here.

  9. Like your quote says above, I know you are not okay, my friend. The pain sounds awful and it’s understandable that you feel blue. This is only temporary, and soon you will be well again. You made it through some tough times before, and I know you will again. As you can see, you have a lot of people who care about you. I’m one of them, and I’m holding your hand from across the ocean. Hugs.

    • Thanks, not really – but I think it’s going in the right direction … the pain is a little less, but so uncomfortable to sit. So this is my going to bed to watch TV now.
      Thank you so much for asking.

  10. Let’s hope that each day gets a little better. You are blessed with so many friends and you know we are all giving you big hugs and wishing away all your pain. Hopefully, you will be back to your wonderful self soon. Until then, have a chocolate, enjoy a bowl of ice cream and a gentle hug from the angles above that watch over you.

    • Karen, I are feeling a relief in the pain … and I have been able to sit down for a longer period for 2 days now.
      So I think the medicine is doing the job, but so awkward and painful to take, have to talk to nurse when visit the clinic on Wednesday. Need some anesthetic cream. Your recipe for recovery suits me perfect – ice cream and chocolate … I will take on your advice straight away.
      Yes, I’m very blessed with my friends here and the ones that I have in my “real” life. So so thankful for you all.

  11. I am so sorry to hear that life has been treating you badly Viveka. You’re right, chemotherapy and radiotherapy poison and radiate the body “for the greater good” but the side effects can be cruel and life limiting. I wish that I could send a real hug to you via the post. I do feel a bit helpless whilst living on the other side of the world. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You’re strong and beautiful, and in my opinion, reaching out for encouragement when you feel down is a further sign of wisdom and strength. Hang in there. Sending you love xxx

    • Laura, thank you so much for your support and understanding. Side effects can be cruel at times … and it also reminds me about the journey I did .. through the cancer – I’m more or less reminded every day and I want to leave it behind me.
      I’m a strong person, but it still it tough – but the support, worries, thoughts and the understanding I got from my friends here in the online world and my real world has been fantastic and it has helped me through. It has been great to feel that I haven’t been alone in the pain and discomfort. Please, don’t feel helpless … because you’re helping me through your support.

  12. Strength to you, Viveka. Strength, hugs, support.

    I must admit, I did not realise there was so much that happens when you have cancer, that you have to endure so much. I have learnt through your blog.

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