feeling sorry for myself …

in my present condition *smile … even if I know it’s a waste of energy.

feeling sorry  - cheezburger comSo my BUTT day is over and I can’t say it went smooth. It was full of tears, fear, pain, discomfort, nitrous oxide, worries and a horrible diet. Now the ordeal is over and I’m full of self-pity and disappointed.
Good news; is there is nothing found on my colon that can cause pain or discomfort, but it felt like they found some dead brain cells.
Bad news; is that I still have severe pain and pressure in my butt. And I’m not any wiser.

Have down colonoscopy once before, but this was 10 times worst …. It will take a couple of days before I have recovered mentally. It has drained all of Viveka out of me – the same feeling as when my body shut down in the end of my cancer treatment. I’m so busy and full of feeling sorry for myself just now and feeling rough both to body and soul. And strangely enough I like to be in this feeling for the moment. Promise I will not stay there for long.

feeling sorry - izquotes com

Images provided by and thanks to: sodahead.com/izquotes.com/cheezburger.com

56 thoughts on “feeling sorry for myself …

    • Colleen, I feel a bit better now .. the lucky pills job.
      Yes, tomorrow we start all over again.
      Have eat loads of chocolate this evening … I think that is why I feel a better. *smile

    • I like your comment here … I also think it’s okay to feel sorry for ourselves *smile
      Because if we can feel sorry for ourselves .. how will we be able to feel sorry of others.
      Good excuse.
      Your hug I will take with me under the duvet tonigh .. it will make me feel comfortable. Thanks …

  1. Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry for myself all the time, and without half so much style or cause. If ONLY they could resolve the problem!
    I intended to come wish you well this morning but I missed the opportunity. Tell you what- I’ll have a good wallow in misery to keep you company. 😦

    • Jo, I was in such bad state this morning … so afraid so I felt sick. I only wished that there had been some answers to my problems, so I could get help quickly..
      Feeling a bit better now, taken a “lucky pill”.
      I’m going to be drug addict before they find the problem. *laughing
      Thank you so much for .. being here for me.

  2. You have my sympathy too…but I love that you maintain some of your sense of humor too. Hope you are feeling better soon!

    • Heather, thank you so much … for being here for me. My sense of humor I had to dig deep for this afternoon, but it has recovered a bit now.
      I truly hope they will find out where the problem comes from. I’m going to be sitting on a plane for 6 hours soon to NYC.

    • Thanks for your support … I truly wish I will be better soon, over 8 weeks now .. and it’s not getting any better. I wish I got some answers today.
      I love the song .. too, it suited my state of mind this afternoon.

  3. Hooray for the result! Thanks for sharing. It’s a nasty business, I know from experience. You are definitely entitled to feel sorry for yourself, otherwise known as TLC for oneself. Will there be tests to look for the cause of the pain? ‘Twould be good to get rid of that now. Hugs and warm wishes – Mary

    • Hi there, Mary … your comments had ended up in with the spams. I’m waiting for my doctor to come back to me, so soon she has got the results and from there we have to take it. Thank you for your support.

    • Helen, thanks a million for the link – but I don’t think it’s that … because I have it constant and it’s a heavy pressure so soon as I have been sitting for more than 20 min and then the pain starts. There are no cramps involved. The doctor that did the colonoscopy today think it may come for “next door” parts, but I don’t have any left.
      Hopefully my doctor will contact me soon, will visit the day clinic tomorrow for my … power port, will talk to the district nurse then. Thank you so much for your support with my discomfort. *smile

    • Thanks, Jensine … I have been listen to the song the whole afternoon. Perfect for my state of mind then .. feeling a lot better now, but pain is still there. The “lucky pill” have start to kick in. *smile

  4. You have every right to feel sorry for yourself – hope you’re snug in your duvet by now and feeling better and they find out what’s causing the pain and get you right soon. Hugs…and sleep well tonight 🙂

    • Suzanne, I know I will sleep well .. because I’m drained … and I have taken a pill.
      Tomorrow I will feel a lot better … and I will try to get in contact with my doctor and ask her for more help to find out what is causing it. A bit worried because of the 6 hours on the flight to NYC in 14 days’ time. Thank you so much for everything and for cheering me on.

  5. I keep thinking about the girl I think so much of with the red shoes on and how I want her to feel better soon. I hope this song brings a smile to your face

    • Terry, thanks for the beautiful track … never heard it before -I should had worn my red shoes today … and things maybe had been going a bit better.
      Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and friendship, so happy that for your present in my world.

    • Dia, with the lucky pills … I sleep … so well. So I had a good nights sleep and even if nothing has changed, I’m back to myself now. No news from the doctor.

  6. You have every right to feel the way you do. I think we all feel the same way as you do for you, we were all hoping that you would get a definitive answer to your pain. It is wonderful that there is no evidence of a problem with your colon…that is a good thing. If that is not the problem, then I hope they find what is causing the pain soon. In the meantime, keep taking those happy pills while we all pray for an answer to your pain and that it can be solved quickly. You are in my prayers as always my dear friend.

    • Karen, even if I’m so happy that nothing was found on my colon – I was so upset that I wasn’t any closer to solve my problems. Not that I don’t mind taking the “happy pills” – I feel so great, but I becomes a bit mushy in the head of them .. but I sleep like a log and they last for nearly 24 hours.
      Karen, you’re such a sweetheart and thanks for being here for me. I miss my blogging so much, but I have to take it easy.
      Hopefully I can arrange today for my doctor to call me this week – and see where we are going from here.
      The doctor that did the colonoscopy yesterday said the pressure can come from “next door”, but all my neighbors there were evicted together with the tumor. *laughing.

  7. Dear Viveka, first of all I am so glad nothing found. But yes, I am with you, I feel your feelings… You are not alone we all support you, you are a beautiful and strong lady, I know everything will be fine again… Love and big Hugs, nia

    • Nia, thank you so much … for all the support you have given me … in my happy moments and sad moments.
      The support I get in my blogging world is important to me.
      Talked to the clinic today and the doctor will arrange for the what to do next. I don’t think much will happen before my New York trip, so the “lucky pills” has to come with me. *smile

  8. I’m sorry I just got around to writing you my dear Viveka, I read you yesterday and totally got what you said… I had been thinking about it, how we always read about being positive and looking at the bright side… Sometimes, we just want to grieve the situation, really aknowledge our feelings, even if they are not on a positive note, they too deserve our attention and respect, it’s a process that takes us slowly and mindfully to thhe other side, the positive side we all talk about, the promised land of positivity… I bet today you feel emotionally better! I am so happy and relieved nothing was found, though I understand your exasperation since the pain is still very much THERE… So, my dear friend, what’s next? Besides feeling the love from all these lovely people… 🙂 huge hug, Alexandra

    • Alexandra, it was what it’s. Yesterday and the day before was just rough days for me .. feeling a lot better today .. and that colonoscopy was painful, the one I had 2 years ago was so smooth – but two different doctors.
      I was at the day clinic today to rinse my power port … and the nurse told me that the doctor will contact me about the results from yesterday and then what will be next to do. Haven’t spoken to her for nearly 3 weeks now, so she don’t know that I’m still in pain.
      Alexandra, sometimes I’m so feed up with all this cheerful quotes and positive thinking … who can be positive 365 days per year???!!! Not me .. motivation and be strong??!!! When we are not feeling well … there is no need for being heroes.
      After my journey with cancer … I realized that we have to be healthy to be able to be sick.
      Feeling so much better today … and I have got loads of things done .. have the laundry that keeps me on my feet and tomorrow new pair of boots and hairdresser, but I’m a bit sore to both body and soul after yesterday.
      Thank you so much for … your wonderful comment.
      After all we are only human.

    • Ad, it was some pain this morning … but it has eased and I feel pretty good just now. I just have to be careful that I don’t sit by the PC too long.
      Time to watch .. House of Cards, I think.
      So long as I have lucky pills .. I will survive.

  9. It really sucks when they can’t find a diagnosis so they can treat the problem. I mentioned before, but my mom had neuropathy after her cancer treatment. It’s a burning under the skin that feels like fire. She had it mostly in her hands and thighs. I don’t know if your pain is similar, but if so, maybe mention neuropathy to the doctors.

    • Lori, I think that is what I got in my feet after the chemo – because they are numb and feel like they are constantly sleeping.
      But I will sure talk to my doctor about it … my discomfort it that I feel a pressure and after short period this burning feeling starts – there is something that put pressure on my colon or gives me the feeling there is pressure. So I can’t sit for a long period of time.

      • Ahh, I see. Yes, the feeling you got in your feet was probably neuropathy. I wish I could help. My mind starts thinking of different things that maybe you could check, so I apologize if I’m pushing too much. I know you have bladder issues. Could your bladder perhaps be adding pressure? What about structural? Could it be the spine? Do you have chiropractors there? My heart goes out to you, Viveka. I know what it’s like not to have a diagnosis and wonder what’s going on and how to fix it. Hugs.

    • Frank, yes … I’m glad it’s over and hopefully I don’t have to do it again.
      Not humor that day, but I have recovered. Wish you and Mrs .. a great weekend.

    • Linda, I’m not .. it’s getting worst by the day .. really and nothing from the doctor yet. So it’s me and my sorry ass going to NYC next week with load of lucky pills in the handbag. *smile

  10. Oh yes you are allowed to wallow for as long as you like Viveka! Sorry the pain is still undiagnosed, but relieved they didn’t find anything serious. Hoping you find a cure soon. Much love and warm hugs 😉

    • Madhu, I love … hugs and I need plenty.
      Not any wiser still .. doctor hasn’t come back to me .. so New York here I come with a sorry ass. *smile

  11. Sorry this was such an ordeal for you! I had one done a few years ago and here they put you to sleep first so it was easy – except for the prep the days before. Sigh. There has to be a better way.

    When you are in NY think of me. I am only two hours north of NYC! I hope you have a great visit.

    • Cindy, thank you so much … not the prep the day before is the same – horrible, but is done .. not got any better, but

      Oh, I thought you lived on the other side of US. Have another blogging sister living just up from NYC too.
      Hopefully I win that big amount so I can fullfill my dream to travel around the world and meet up with my blogging friends.

      All set for the trip now …. only to pack and close the bag. *smile

  12. Oh dear very happy that nothing was found in your colonoscopy dear
    but anyway you felt the pain that will be okay dear

    • Ajaytao, it was terrible painful this time … first it didn’t bother me at all, different doctors. Over and done, but my problems are still the same. *smile

      • Oh dear very very sorry to hear that the pin intensified afterwards I pray for you dear and blessings to you my friend

        love Ajay

    • Leanne, it was terrible … I couldn’t sit for nearly 7 weeks and I was high on painkillers everyday – it just vainished 2 days before my trip to NYC … thank god for that – the doctors couldn’t say what caused it. Happpy puppy again and I can do posts again. *smile

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