mom, i’m going to be okay

“Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory’s so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are”

Millan Rubina Evelina Gustavson
26.07.1922 – 04.06.2013

Dear Mom, thanks for being my mom. I will never stop being a daughter and I’m going to be okay, because I you have taught me so well about what life is all about. You gave freedom with responsibility as an youth – many has said that I’m just like you … and that has best compliments I could get.
You have given me all the values I have … and the respect I feel for life, nature and people. I have been sitting in a GREAT knee.

I know that you are fine … and of course I will miss you – but you will always be with me in my heart.
I will never be alone.

Mom, to become your daughter is the best thing that ever could happen to me – and if we have been on each other’s throats at times – we never lost respect for each other. You have been fair, strong and so full of love. I don’t know if I have the daughter I should have been, but I have been in my heart .. maybe not in my action all the times.

I’m not saying farewell … because you’re still here with me and will always be. And sorry for my tears, I know you don’t want me to cry …. but I have to at times, but I will remember you with a big smile. I promise.

Mom, you’re only a breath away and that isn’t very fare. *smile

Cheers to you, Mom!

Your Wiga

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110 thoughts on “mom, i’m going to be okay

      • I am so sorry my dear friend. I want to be there and give you a hug and hold you. I am hurting because I know you are hurting my friend

      • Terry, of course it hurts …. But I’m also relieved because her last years have been a struggle. The last 6 months has been so tough on her sight given up … and body getting more and more tired by the day. She wanted to go … and I knew that – so I told her to let go … because I’m going to be okay.
        I will be looked after by my friends … and she will be with me when I need her.
        Thanks for your comforting words. I will talk to you soon.

  1. The words of the song made me cry, I send you all the hugs I can at this sad time. A wonderful tribute to your mother. My deepest sympathies. I am glad you have such wonderful memories.

    • Jo, this song is very specially to me … it make me cry but it also gives me strenght. Mom gave me a strong soul and a big heart *smile
      Thank you so much for your wonderful and comforting words.

  2. I am so, so sorry, dear Viveka!
    What you wrote is so sweet an touching, it has me in tears, too 😥
    Consider yourself hugged big time.
    Lots of love, Dia xo 🙂

    • Dia, it’s okay …. she wanted to leave *smile … she was ready this time. Your hug will I save for my tomorrow.
      Thanks for your thoughts and comfort.

  3. You are so beautiful person and daughter, and I am sure she will be always with you. When I read of this, tears filled my eyes… Rest in Peace for her, for this beautiful mother. My deepest sympathies and love, nia

  4. Oh, Viveka… my heart is with you, today. Tears in my eyes are proof that I care for the loss of your mamma. I’ve been on that journey, also. I would put my arms around gently, hug you in caring… if I could. Fly high, Viveka’s mamma, fly in peace. I hope you see Tommy in passing along your way… smile at each other as you discover the beautiful world of heaven. For now, I sit and cry for you… because whenever we lose someone we love most in life…the pain is great. Be at peace, Viveka’s mamma.

    • Gloria, thanks for your warm and caring thoughts – I know you had your grieving too, but yours was so unfair …. Tommy was so young. Mum had a long life and as she said to me on Friday evening, that the old engine had packed it in.
      I’m sure if there is a place where we end up … they will met and they will talk about us … with warmth and words full of love.
      Gloria, thank you so much for being here for me.

    • Dallas, I would love if mom became a star … I will go outside later and have a look. I really feel comfort in that thought.
      Thank you so much.

  5. Oh, Viveka, I’m sobbing. I had the feeling in my heart that this happened. Were you with her? I know she would be proud of you, and you’re right- she will always be there. You’re going to have to be a tough cookie like her to survive, but we both know that you will. This is a breathtaking tribute from a beautiful daughter.

    • Yes, her last 3 hours I was there … and I hold her when she took her last breath.
      She was not only a fantastic mom …. she was an very extra ordinary person that always fight for injustice around her. She was never going to change the world, but she made a difference to people around her.
      She had a very tough life … big parts of her life – but she just kept on going.
      Jo, thank you so much for being here for me.

      • I’m happy you had those last hours, and a whole lifetime of memories- good and bad. I can remember walking around like a zombie for days after mine died, so please take care of yourself. We love you, Viveka.

      • Jo, I felt some inner calm this morning when I was sitting on the train to Ystad and the hospital.
        She had warned me every day … she prepared me … through what she said, but it was well hidden.
        She wanted me to let go – and not be upset over her departure.
        I know she was ready and she made me ready too.
        Still when the moment comes … everything is turned upside down … but it was time and it hadn’t been fair to hold her back.
        I will have my days too … I will not be able to escape them.
        I love you all in return … and I will need you.

  6. Oh no.. Viveka what news to receive as I listen to this song… my hair stands on end … my deepest sympathies to you.. what a loss.. be strong my friend, Mamma will never be far when she is a resident in your heart .. and from this post I just know she is deep within your heart… Viveka I wish I could just send you the biggest hug of comfort, and in my mind I’m doing that right now….

    • Bob, even if I didn’t want her to leave – I knew it was her time had come … she had made up her mind days ago. I knew she wanted to go … so what right did I have to beg for more time. She has left big empty present space in my life – but she has filled up my heart instead.
      She didn’t leave until she knew that I will be okay on my own. I’m a big girl now. *smile
      Thanks for your comfort and for your support … for your kind words

    • Thanks, Maralee … I’m very tired now .. it has been a lot of crying today during the after followed her death, I stayed 4 hours with her … so I sleep good tonight – my friend Margurithe and her partner .. has feed me. I’m back in her apartment now and I will return to Landskrona tomorrow and on Friday, I will start all the arrangements. I need time for myself first.
      Thank you so much for your comfort and concern.

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  8. What a lovely tribute to your mother Viveka. I’m so sorry to hear of her passing. As I’ve gotten to know you a little bit through this great big internet, I know you to be a lovely person yourself, which is a credit to your mother. Here’s a big hug for you. I’m thinking about you and praying for you as you go through this difficult time.

    Debbie

    • Debbie, I will take the hug with under the duvet tonight.
      Thanks, for the hug and your kind words – I owe so much to my mom when it’s about values and view on things.
      She gave me a freedom to develop and to be “self-walking”, just like her.
      A fantastic person very strong personality. I’m going to miss her so much, but I understand why she wanted to leave … she knew that I will be okay on my own now.

  9. Hi Viveka

    I’m so so sorry to hear about the loss of your amazing mum, she sounds like she was also a wonderful friend as well to you also… your tribute to her is realy moving as I type with tears in my eyes.

    My warmest heartfelt love and hugs
    Carl Xx

    • Carl, thank you so much for your comforting words … she was a very special person, not only because she is mum – she had strength and total fearless with it was about unfairness.
      I have fantastic support from friends in the aftermath work.
      Mom and I had a very strange relationship I think to what other daughters have to their mothers – it wasn’t very close – but there was a very strong bond without too much talking.

  10. Åh, Viveka…det är svårt att hitta tangenterna, för tårarna rinner. Så vackert du skriver till din mor, så underbar musik, så fint – allt. Hon var redo, det förstår jag av dina ord. Hon ville släppa taget och hon förvarnade dig så att du kunde hjälpa henne ta det sista steget. Så vackert och så underbart att du fick vara med henne när stunden var inne.

    Ni kommer alltid att ha varandra, alltid finnas hos varandra ändå. Men, när man vaknar upp dagen efter – och långa tider efter – och hon inte längre är där att prata med, att ringa till att hälsa på. Det är tungt. Inget kan ersätta en mor.

    Varma kramar från mig, Ann-Christine

    • Älskade Ann-Christine, tack för dina underbara ord. Uppskattar dem verkligen. Ja, hon förvarnade mig redan på fredagen och sedan blev det lite antydningar varje dag, plus jag tror att hon hade försökt att gömma sin medicin rulle under söndagsnatten, för de hittade den under kudden.
      Nu skall jag ta mig hem till Landskrona för 2 nätter och sedan får man ta hand om allt det praktiska, men oerhört tunga jobbet.

  11. Wivi, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a beloved mother, but also a relief that they are no longer suffering.

    I lost my Mum four years ago and I still miss her. I always will.

    My prayers are with you. xx

  12. Viveka, how well you and your mom must have loved one another. I don’t know that I have ever been so moved by someone, as you, tonight. The music of your post is playing while I read the music of your love to your mom. I hope that I love my child as well as your mom loved you, so that she knows beyond a doubt I loved her completely. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I know this is the way we must all go. But for every parent who has ever gone before, this parent has never been lost to anyone until now. When I close my eyes tonight and express my thanks for my day and my life, I will ask for extra angels to watch over you and surround you. It seems that many have already been sent as I see from the comments above. Be at peace Millan Rubina Evelina Gustavson.

    • Dear Colleen, thank you so much for your wonderful words. Mum and I had a very strange relationship – we close because we were so likeness each other … but we were not close so we talked about absolute everything. We talked without words. She had a very tough years in many ways during periods of her life, but she just got on with life. She had to make some tough decisions that went totally against her heart and choice.
      A fantastic person and not only because she was my mum, she truly stood by her beliefs … and her opinion, she made a difference to people and especially animals. She always said that she loved animal more than people. When people has told me that I am so like my mum .. I have been so proud. She are fine now … and I’m okay too, even if I miss her – but it hadn’t been fair to ask her to stay any longer. She had done her job with life and me.

      • What a beautiful send off you wrote for her. And this, “she had done her job with life and me”. How many of us will be blessed with leaving those behind who believe we did well and good with our lives?

      • Colleen, mum was a very special lady … but in over all – I think we are never so great and fantastic as we are alive – that is when we are told how great we were and that is when we get all the beautiful flowers. Never seen the idea behind that.

  13. So sorry to hear of your loss, Viveka. I know that you will miss your mother. You have left a lovely tribute to her…she will always be with you in your heart. Know that everyone has you in their thoughts at this difficult time.

    • I slept very well .. I always sleep well in moms apartment – my heart feels warm and comfortable today. Have been in contact with undertaker and the landlord. No rush for anything.
      Yes, summer has arrived to Sweden so I put the summer header and my orginal header on. This is my favorite painting of all famous painting – it’s Danish and called “summer afternoon on Skagern beach”.

      • Good that you have friends to support you. I went back to your About post, looking for clues- no brothers or sisters? I know you said that mom had a hard life, and you hinted at a not so happy childhood. I can relate to that too.
        There’s a lot to do in the first days so you will be tired and drained. I don’t expect to see you posting much. I just need to keep checking. 🙂 🙂

      • Jo, I have a half brother somewhere – we had contact for a while, but his behavior against mom was inexcusable and I told him so – then he disappeared. Let see what happens now .. on that front, I don’t really care for him at all.
        I slept like a baby tonight … but you’re right I don’t feel for posting just now.
        The practical part of all this starts on Tuesday. In Sweden we have to wait 15 days with funerals, if not for religious reasons and that means we don’t have to rush anything.
        You will know when I’m back.

  14. You’ve said you don’t like poetry, but you just wrote a most splendid poem my dear Viveka. You touched my very soul and I’m tearing with you. My heart goes out to you my friend. Sending you hugs of comfort.

    • Lori, I wish it was me that wrote the poem – it’s the lyrics to the song that Josh is singing, but it’s such beautiful words and when I listen to the song – it brings me to tears but it also gives me strength.
      Thank you so much for your comfort.

      • Oh, I didn’t know the lyrics were for the song, but they are still poetry that touches the heart. I wish I could hold your hand. Hugs.

  15. My dear friend, I’m truly sorry. Your poem is beautiful. Your mom will always be beside you, taking care of you and watching your every move, so keep being good… I send you all my love.
    G

    • Thank You! The poem is the lyrics to the song – but I love that song .. and when I listen to it .. I get strength.
      I can truly feel moms present in my heart .. it feels so warm.

    • Thank you so much, it felt good that we got those hours … before she left – and that I could hold her .. close in the end. She wanted to leave.

    • Cindy, thank you so much for your support – I think I could have been a much better daughter in action maybe … but in my heart I was the best. *smile
      Yes, she loved me very much.

  16. Dear Viveka, this is such a beautiful post and tribute to your precious mom. This song is one of my favourites, and as I listen to it, my tears are flowing too. I will never be able to hear it again without thinking of your sweet tribute to your mom. Sending you tight hugs and lots of love, my friend. xx

    • Thank you so much … it’s a beautiful song and the words are so right. The song was a great comfort to me when I lost my 3 friends in the Tsunami – and it’s a fantastic support now too … even if it makes me cry it gives me strength too.
      I wrote that post while still sitting beside her – need that comfort .. there and then.
      My mom was a very special woman and not only as my mom.
      Thank you so much for your comfort, support and friendship. Thank you for the kind words.

  17. Oh dear Vivecka….I’ve found this just now….I am so truly, truly sorry……………..words can not express my sadness for you…
    This song was a comfort to me when I lost my Brother and it was just yesterday, the words ” a breath away’s not far to where you are”, came into my mind. I wish you comfort and peace. Such a loving tribute to your Mother………….I know that you can feel all of the love that comes to your from all over the world…wrap yourself in that love when you need to. xoxoxo

    • Thank you so much for your wonderful words and your comfort. I was very well prepared by mom and I knew from Friday that this was it .. even if she was okay at times.
      I don’t feel that much sadness .. because she was very tired and she wanted to leave. My heart feels so warm .. and I’m very relaxed about the whole thing. She had a long life and I was so luck to have her for such a long time.
      I’m so thankful for everybody that is here for me – when I need support … truly wonderful.
      Now the practical side of all this starts next week, so I have a couple of days on my own and weekend with friends and BBQ, I hope.
      Once again, thank you so much for your loveliness.

  18. Dear Viveka, I’m saddened to hear of your loss but gladdened to learn that your Mum and you had such a wonderful relationship. I’m sending my heartfelt sympathies and hope that the thoughts above are of some comfort to you. Take care my friend.

    • Suzanne, thank you so much for your throught, nice words and comfort. Can never get too much of it … at times like this, but I’m doing okay – so far.
      Have a grreat weekend.

  19. Oh Viveka, I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry too to have missed this post. Your love for your mother shines through in your beautiful tribute. Losing a parent is hard at any age. Sending you my heartfelt sympathies, and much love and warm hugs.

    • Madhu, thanks …. I talk to my mom every day now – something I didn’t do when she was alive, very strange … and today I created a CD with her wishes for a special tune to be played in the chapel and then I started to cry … but I did it with a smile on my lips.

  20. Viveka, I am so very sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. Your poem is such a very lovely tribute to your mother, I am sure she can sense it in her new place of peace. My heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you. Many warm hugs to you. ~xo

    • Thank you so much – just arrived to her apartment for a couple of days. Now the practical starts now. The poem is beautiful, but it’s the lyrics for the song that Josh Groban sings – To Where You Are” – don’t have any talets what so ever for poem.
      Thanks for the hugs .. will bring them with me under the duvet tonight. Thanks for your kind words .. and support.

    • Noeleen, thank you so much for your warming and caring words – I’m okay .. she sits in my heart, because it feels so warm all the time now. I sleep well and but I miss her so. I talk to her .. all the time.

  21. I am reading backwards, and each post gets more and more poignant, and draw my own tears for you. What beautiful music you choose. I feel your sorrow coming through your words and music, but your sense of well-being and hope come through as well. You are a dear lady. Marsha 🙂 xox

  22. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s passing, Viveka. There will be lonely days ahead especially when the reality sets in that she’s not within reach anymore but I am sure that the precious moments you spent with her and the loving memories of yesteryears will bring you comfort. I wish you strength in the days to come and when you feel alone, forget not that you have so many friends who wish you all the best. 😉

    • Malou, thanks for your comforting words … I talk to my mom every day … when I think about her, but she has left a fantastic warmth and comfort within my heart.
      Thanks a million for your support.

  23. Oh Viveka. I am so sorry that I missed this as it happened. I want to cry after reading your heartfelt words; I can’t imagine losing my own mother, whilst struggling with personal ill health… you are so much stronger than I think I could ever be. You are an inspiration to me. Glad that you’re doing ok. Sending you much love and hugs, thinking of you. We love you my dear friend xoxo

    • Laura, thank you so much … for your comfort and kind words. For the last years I was thinking the way you do – how can I go on without mom, how will I manage.
      But when I saw what her life became – and because she was crystal clear in her mind – I understand today … and I’m old enough to be on my own … she are in my heart every minute.
      Laura, we want to keep our loved ones with us so long as possible even if they are sick .. but if it was our dog or dog, we would change their situation with tenderness.
      I have been sitting in a great knee .. and she had prepared me so well for day she wanted to leave. Big girl now.

  24. Yes dear you feel her presence all around you
    oh again most beautiful of words from a daughter to her mom
    so lovely dear

    you have a very sensitive and a wonderful heart

    Love Ajay

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