i’m biting back

scars - writingforrecovery.wordpress com

“When you treat a disease, first treat the mind.”
Chen Jen

…. so sorry, for not being so responsive as normal – but I had 3 mentally rough days … have been to the hospital two times .. I just have felt so down in my 4″ heels.

Had a good snooze after today’s visit – not that I’m in any pain … just that hate this running back and forward – hate the smell … hate the atmosphere … hate scans and  contrast fluids  …. AND I truly HATE that chair and examinations, but I’m so happy and THANKFUL for that they are checking me up.

It’s not that they have found anything wrong with me … and thank god for that, only that they want to check things up properly. It was so painful and sore today.

It’s just getting me down – because when I do my check up visits .. it brings everything back, the pain, the illness, the treatments and worries – all that I went through and it makes me upset in some strange way, even if it’s not very often I think about it – only when I have my moments of self pity. It totally exhaust me and that’s why I fall so deep. Because if you have danced with the demon you’re so scared to be asked for another dance.

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Had problems with my side effect during April and that doesn’t allow me to forget about the cancer. Every time I have a problem it comes back with force and honesty I’m so sick and tired of it all … because I don’t want to be remind about that part of my past.

The cancer in it’s self never really scared me – my biggest relief after the operation was that the pain I had in my hips was gone – my first thought when I woke up after the operation: I don’t have any pain in the hips!!!!

I never asked any questions about my treatment. I had my operation on a Thursday and they sent me home on the Sunday – and I was suppose to start my treatments on the following Thursday, one a week after my operation and I was not mentally prepared for that, but I got an server infection so it  had to be moved to the following week.

cervical-cancer- md.tech-ex com

Then when they told that I was going to have both chemo and radio therapy on the same time – I didn’t really know what to expect … and I tell you that was not a free or easy ride. What was good that my whole treatment was over in 6 weeks, instead of first 6 weeks of radio therapy and then 12 weeks of chemo, but I was so violent sick in the end – my whole body just gave up on everything and infections took it over. Doctors was scratching their heads and special antibiotics was whipped up for me. Gladly I wasn’t aware of how sick I was … been told by my doctors afterward. The worst period was the 10 days after I finally released from hospital and sent home with a mixture of pills that could had killed an elephant – truly there wasn’t a day I didn’t want to die and give up. My junior doctor phoned me every day 2am for 10 days to check on me – and if it had been for beautiful Astrid – I don’t know if I had made it.

And that is what scares me most today – the package that cancer comes in. And that is what I bring back .. when I visit the hospitals and when my side effects are heavy on me.

It’s now nearly 3 years since they found the tumor and removed it extremely quickly – I have no scares on my body, but my soul has … and I want it to heal too and that is all down to myself. But because my body has healed I want my soul to be on the same place too.

It’s not very often I post anything about my journey and that is because I don’t want to dwell in it … and I feel so good as I can do. My health quite steady and steady is VERY good for me. I’m a very positive person, I have a great sense of humor …. and I feel happy 92% of my days. It’s also very depressing for my visitors to read about illness, pains, worries and problems time after time – because it is a such small part of me really … but once in a while I need to get it out of my system, just like now.

ballroom-dancers-ecstudents net

Please don’t feel sorry for me – I’m so good at that myself …. and there is no heroes or any braveness in this – the options are not many .. it’s only go through it or die – and even if some of us goes through it – it’s not enough. Life is a bitch that bits at times, but believe me – I’m biting back.

The best feeling ever was when I 4 weeks after my elephant cure  … I was able to travel to Belfast and Scotland for 12 days, everybody thought I was mad, but the best thing I ever done – meet my friends, laugh, enjoy a cup of coffee, drink wine, tell jokes, eat a great meal and be able to walk in 4″ heels again – then I knew I was a survivor.

The good thing is that … tomorrow I will be okay again – thank you so much for listing and being here for me. And for keeping me in sane and I just love when I dance with you all  – Please, come dance with me in this beautiful waltz! Never let me go … hold me. I don’t mind if you step on my toes and if you don’t know how to conduct, I do it. Let us just dance; one – two – three – one – two -three. “How could I dance –  no you to hold”

“If Came The Hour”
Music and Lyrics; Secret Garden

“If came the hour, if came the day.
If came the year, when you went away;
How could I live, I’d surely die,
What would I be if you say goodbye?

How would I laugh, how could I love,
Could I believe in a God above?
How would I hope, how could I pray.
If came the hour, if came the day.

But you are here, lying beside me.
I watch you breath, each raise and fall,
Without you near, then there would be,
Nothing at all.

If in this world, all things must pass
And we must raise, the parting glass,
No words would ever come, what could I say.
If came the hour, if came the day.

There’d be no music in my soul,
How could I dance –  no you to hold.
How could I hear the violin,
There’d be no song I could ever sing.

But you are here, lying beside me.
I watch you breath, each raise and fall,
Without you near, then there would be,
Nothing at all.

Now you awake, the dawns sweeps in.
I touch your mouth, I touch your skin;
How would I live, if you should go away
If came the hour, if came the day.”

This beautiful song comes from Norway – and sings by Petra Berger, a Dutch singer.

Photos provided by and thanks to:
md.tech-ex.com/christianlouboutinbootscheapsale com

64 thoughts on “i’m biting back

    • Ania …. thanks – heels are just so mad … would never be able to walk or sit in them even – but looking at them .. makes me feel good.
      Now .. we dance!

  1. Hey Wivi
    If you cant talk to your friends it would be a sorry world .
    Thinking of you : )
    Really enjoy following your posts ,recipes, pictures …stories.. photos.. love them , and what a beautiful song and singer.
    You can certainly pick them.
    Keep Smiling Big Girl x

    • Thanks, Gina ….. today wasn’t a great day … but tomorrow will be.
      I will put the song on my next CD for you.
      Will give you a call … next week.
      Love you! Thanks for always being there for me.

  2. Waltzing away to your beautiful music and sending warm vibes your way Viveka. Don’t blame me if your toes feel sore 🙂 Love and great big hugs.

    • Not the first time somebody steps on my toes *smile
      Madhu …. let’s dance. The hugs will I take with me under the duvet … soon. *smile

  3. So good to see you bite back Viveka! Sometimes the best thing is to just pour everything out, to get it out of your system. And you do that with great strength and no self-pity, and as so many times, with a beautiful piece of music to go with it. I send warm hugs up north, and as you say, tomorrow is another day, keep biting back!

    • Thank you so much for …. your words. I have already decided that tomorrow will I have a great and happy day, because it’s all down to me.
      Yes, it’s a wonderful tune and that helps so much, just to float away on it … what would I do without my music.
      Promise, I can be a bitch too. *smile

    • Thank you ….. let’s dance barefoot .. *smile … may I have the honor???!!!
      Yes, It’s a truly beautiful song – will do post about it … or about the people behind it. From Norway.

  4. wow…so many things. First of all Viveka, I love your spirit and I love the way you’ve handled everything! 🙂 Its good that you talked about your personal battle and how you overcame it.
    I had epilepsy and it took me years to cope up with it. But I was at peace when I came to terms with it and confided in my friends, who were very helpful. It was a long arduous journey. Talking, discussing about one’s problems, expressing feelings with friends is not asking for self pity.
    Your life is a waltz…and in that, we’ll all play a part, however small. 🙂 … Your blogger friends will always be there for you, with you 🙂
    Warm hugs to you
    p.s- I preach a lot and it is something I should avoid but I couldn’t help saying this – yoga & pranayama help a lot when it comes to achieving an equilibrium.

    • Thank you so much for your support … I talk about it when I have the urge, like today …
      I’m a bit like a wounded animal when it comes to my problem – I step aside and lick my wounds – and I don’t really want any help … but when then things start to heal – then I need to talk.
      Epilepsy – is a tough disease … you wrote had – so I hope that you are free from it today. Had a school friend that had it. Always where I grow up was a home … for people with the disease … so everybody more or less in the community had seen seizure and knew what to do.
      The acceptance of the cancer took very long time for me. It took 4 months before I called myself a cancer patient.
      I was never afraid for that I was going to die – dying was never in my book …. then, but I’m so scared of the package … the treatment … the pains.
      Tried Yoga .. I can’t keep my mind still … I rather dance. *smile

      • I can understand, it must be very exhausting….cancer is afterall the emperor of all maladies and dealing with it cannot be easy. Btw, have you read the book The Emperor of All Maladies – a biography of cancer.
        I still have epilepsy, just that I have accepted it as a part of my life now. So that makes things so much more peaceful.
        Dance is another way of flying without wings 🙂

      • You’re so right about acceptance …. it’s so much easier to live with than flight.
        I never wanted to read about somebody else journey – because not one of us … had the same journey.
        I saw a film a few years before I was diagnosed, very good one – true story … young woman that got breast cancer: Why I Wore Lipstick: To My Mastectomy – and when I was diagnosed … thought about the movie .. and the high heels became my thing – and I wear them every time for my check ups.
        So true … dancing is flying without wings – very well put.

  5. Your determination is inspiring my friend, we are all here to support you while you defeat that monster! Mentally tough I’m sure it was, there is nothing you can not overcome because it is you 🙂


    • Hopefully the monster is defeated now … it’s only my mind that has some scars … I want my body and soul to be on the same place, still the soul is left behind.
      Uru, thank you so much for your support … and for being here for me.

  6. Thank you for sharing this, Viveka. You are brave and strong…I hope I am the same whenever I am faced with adversity. I deal with a couple of chronic things too…and like you I don’t like to dwell on it but yes, once in a while it can get me down. Being positive has a lot to do with being happy no matter what.

    • Heather, to right about it – it helps … it’s not to ask for pity and for wanting people to feel sorry about us – we need to get it out of the system and this is the best media on earth – I have been writing about problems, laughter, pains, loneliness and happiness since so long as I can remember. As a child I wrote letters to people I never met – picked a name from the radio … wrote, read and read it all over .. when I had enough of the letter – I throw it away and it was time for me to … move on.
      Heather, this is a perfect media … and we will listen and talk about it. Thanks for being there for me.

  7. Viveka – you’re the only lady I know who kicks ass in high heels! Keep dancing, keep *smiling* keep posting to your blog. Love and warm wishes are winging their way to you 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Suzanne – I should really kick myself first of all .. thanks for your kind support. Had a truly rough day yesterday.

  8. Hugs and Love to you my dear Viveka, You are brave, strong and have a beautiful soul… Wishing the dance in your heart never stops, and be sure we are always in the same song, and I dance too with you, dear. Blessing and Happiness, nia

    • Nia, thanks for your support … I think it’s a very litlte chance that my heart will stop dancing. *smile – Take my hand … and let’s dance.

  9. Keep fighting my friend. Am impressed and I love that you are so positive, that is very important. Since I cannot hold your hand to comfort you, I will keep you in my prayers.

    • Thank you so much … it’s not so much a flight as an acceptance – to accept that I will not get my old life back.
      I think it’s there my problem lays.
      Thank you so much for your support .. for being here.

  10. Viveka, we all have the right to feel sorry for ourselves on occasion. I don’t blame you one bit. Someone told me once that when we have to go for medical treatments frequently, we feel like we’re losing our identity to those visits. Hopefully, your checkups are over for now. I’m dancing with you from across the pond.

  11. I can imagine how something like that would stay with you, what’s that saying, what is worse the illness or the cure? So glad you are on top of it, and I don’t think it hurts that every now and then you dwell on it, as long as it isn’t all the time. Go Viveka.

    • Sometimes I need to get things out of the system, but to dwell .. about it doesn’t help – because it makes me only upset, because I’m scare that I may have to go through it again, because it was so terrible – but if I’m scare all the time … the demon has won after me, so I have to bite back and be angry. Thanks for understanding.

  12. That cervical cancer ad. is really good. Well done that one.

    Viveka, I am so much feeling for you, although this day is passed. Yet, what you said with danced with the devil, etc, I cannot relate at all and can only imagine what a drain, a drain it must become – when you said the to and fro, the constant visits, atmosphere, smell.

    I wish you strength and wellness, Viveka, I am truly thinking of you. xx

    • Noeleen, if anyone knows how it’s to dance with a devil is it you – and you have been dancing far too many times as it’s. We all have our demons – sometimes they take over – because they have become a part of us. We have different demons, but demons is demons … doesn’t matter what form and shape the come in.
      Thank you so much for your support.

  13. I’m thinking of you today Viveka, and hoping that you’re having a better day. I’m so proud of you and what you’ve come through. Thank you for sharing it with us, truly. It’s posts like these that make me appreciate all the things I take for granted, particularly my health. Wishing you well.


    • Thank you, Debbie … thanks for listening. *smile
      When we are rock bottom … there is only one way to go … and that is up.! Thanks for your understanding and support.

  14. I truly love your passion and your positive outlook on life and everything in it. It takes a lot to remain positive and passionate while going through all that you have. So glad to hear that you continue to stay strong and fight. Cheers.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and support … I think that if we don’t move on …. and do the best of situation the demons has taken over.

  15. Oh dear it is very sad as well absolutely brave of you and what a beautiful poem dear
    hugs and love dear sister my blessings will always be with you always dear

    God bless you

    what a beautiful piece of music from Secret Garden

    • Thank you so much for the fantastic support … anyone that has been dancing with the cancer demon doesn’t want to be asked for a second dance.
      I don’t worry too much about, but the checkup appointments brings everything back to me and .. I get so worried and fall so deep for a short period of time. You know yourself – you have done the journey too.

      This wonderful piece of music was my choice … for my mom’s funeral service too.

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