when you have been dancing with the demon – you never forget the steps

                                                                                                                                                                            …. and you don’t want to be asked for an other dance. Talking about cancer now. Every ten minutes  are a Swede been diagnosed with cancer. 50.000 people every year and only 2/3 of us are surviving.

Cancer is something that always happen to somebody else ..  that’s what we think. Until the day – sorry, but the news are not that great. That day arrived for me 12.07.10 /  08.45 CET.

Personally was I such a pain for nearly 8 months .. could hardly walk – couldn’t sleep … my pain was in my hips – and if it had been for the bleeding … I wouldn’t been here today. Cervical cancer – tumor bigger than a golf ball caused my pain.

When I got the news .. did I become so calm – and slept like a baby every night until the operation, 3 weeks later. I don’t think it really sank in with me that I had cancer – all I wanted was for the pain to go away. My first thought when I woke up was – no pain in my hips.

That awaking .. was only a start on a very rough and tough journey – that I more or less did on my own – except my doctors and hospital staff that dragged me through it all.

Had a fantastic support over Facebook from my friends here in Sweden and abroad – but not much physical support as such – the journey very lonely. Nothing I hold against anyone … but it was a period when I really understood how lonely we really are or can be even if we have friends and acquaintances.

Still I’m  happy over that I was back in Sweden when this all happen – the treatments and the standards are outstanding. Not only that – it was a fantastic comfort to speak with doctors in my own language.

The fear that … I will asked for an other dance are always there.

This has nothing to do with pleasure – but maybe some guilt – guilt over that I’m not fully thankful for that I have survived so fare – that I every day more or less want my old body and life back. Mostly be free from the fear .. and the side effects from the treatments.

photo provided by: louisville.com

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